2023-2024

 So this is it. Another year has gone.

As someone who has lost most of his sense of wonder, I was never big on New Year’s eve. Two years earlier, fireworks were a big waste of money — a flamboyant fraudulent flaunt of the wealthy, where both the rich and the poor // escape from the meaninglessness of life // through observing big displays of euphoric symbols of celebration // in a temporary holiday that is too short for many // or in another normal night of working to meet the ever-increasing life demands. 

Looking back, this might’ve been a rather solipsistic way of thinking // in the mind of a young(er) adult // who longingly gazed at the stars, but never really, really immersed himself in the mundane reality. Probably privileged, or at least, pretended to.

But tonight is different. 2023 taught me a lot of different things. Brought me to different people, different ways of thinking, different life trajectories. And I can’t help but soak it all in.

***

A few weeks earlier one of my colleagues asked me about how my 2023 had been. “It’s been a hell of a ride,” I said. 

For me — pardon me for borrowing a tarot symbolism here – late 2022 and the whole 2023 were another tower card. My life so far has encountered more than a few babels. You start something anew. You make mistakes. You learn. You build something (a system of belief, a worldview, an academic framework of thinking, a relationship, a new career path – you name it).

And somehow, life has a way of tearing it down.

When you’re lucky, you get something better, meet someone better, and a fresh start awaits. On other occasions, luck isn’t simply on your side. New paths often mean taking a few more punches.

“For me, it’s been the best year of my life.” His face showed an emotion that my adult self envies.

But good for him, really.
I’ve shared a few more-than-lucky occasions as well. And man, ain’t they the best.
Yes, I’m thinking about you, SFS.

***

December 31, 2023. 11.55 PM.

“You wanna look at fireworks outside?,” she said.

“Sure,” I hesitated.

So we walked outside, still connected on Discord, lit a cigarette, and joined the parade.

As I looked at the fireworks, the conversation with my colleague found its way to sneak into my mind. Along with the barking of my neighbor’s dog. And a slight reflection on our mortality. And a bit of work that (it turns out) I rather suck at. And images of Palestinians, who keep hearing a similar sound, albeit with a totally different perspective.

Loud emotions fucking hit me like a truck, drowning me without warning. They’re probably louder than the fireworks.

“Goddammit, 2023.” I took a drag.

It’s 2024. What the fuck.