On Existentialism

Existentialism, at least some of it, might be a bittersweet dream waiting for its time to become a traumatizing nightmare. One dreams of being free, or thinks of having a choice.
But what is freedom and choice for beings in-between?
And is do the beings' becoming erase away all the ambiguity and the gray?
Is one not forced and pulled and torn apart by conflicting forces?

They say that normal human beings are born with two legs, but they are also the ones who cut one of the legs.
"Make your choice.," they say.
Hasn't this intermediary, stateless state  always been an abomination to behold, a danger to avert?
One lives, and one lives with two legs.
But one truly lives if one's leg is cut off.
Amputation is how you will fit.
True freedom then can only be gained at a cost. One must be willing either to sacrifice one's sanity or to kiss death with courage. But this is not an assurance either.
Most of us don't know what is on the other side. The ones who have passed the line never come back to tell us how it tastes. Losing sanity or life, any of them takes us away from the ability to be messengers of whatever freedom might feel like. And we are left with nothing but oblivion - and this miserable world of suffering might not be the worst we could ever imagine.

Before enlightenment, hell is other people. After enlightenment, hell is oneself AND other people.

When the world is a fake, loud, happiness vending machine that is built on lies, isn't it only fair that a person is allowed to sink into cynicism in the darkest corners of her/his life? And what is a more honest truth than cynicism?
At times, one needs a teaspoon of ignorance and another teaspoon of lies to be content with oneself.

And you can't cure suicidal thoughts by philosophical logics or elaborate deconstruction of mythology.
A life that only YOU have can be a double burden.

P.S.:

Here's a list of names I heard in many shades of silence.
"Cynic". "Narrow-minded". "Melancholic". "Sensitive". "Guilt-Tripper". "Playing Victim". "Exhaustingly gloomy". "Tiresome". "Young". "Foolish". "Pessimistic". "Blasphemous". "Negative Thinker". "Pretentious". "Naive". "Party Pooper". "Awkward". "Unqualified". "Puzzling". "Secretive". "Manipulative". "Undecided". "Weak". "Easily Stressed". "Obsessive". "Unbearable". "Temperamental". "Aloof". "Skeptic". "Bitter". "Devilish". "Helpless". "Stubborn". "Boring".