Farewell to Big Questions, for now.

 Where do we come from? 

Why are we here? 

What is the meaning of life? 

What's out there?

Is there a God?

Is there heaven or hell?

Who am I?

What is truth?

When I was younger, my whole existence was focused on questions like these. Partly, it's because of how I was raised as a kid. My church liked big questions (they still do, apparently). Every service, every Sunday, every seminar, every retreat camp they got, they always explore big questions. Spirit of the age. Nihilism. Modernism. Postmodernism. Marxism. Confucianism. Their whole identity is built on the sense that they know a lot about Christian doctrines and worldviews.  And they would apologetically talk about how Christian worldview would defeat those of "the world". Yes, you probably guessed it, it's a (Neo-Calvinist?) Reformed church.

Disgusted, Angry, and Heavy-Hearted.
Probably a more accurate depiction of John Calvin himself

Being a hardcore fan of the church, my family liked big questions, too. My father was more guilty of this. Sometimes during the car ride from home to school he would bring up some philosophical issues and talk about it from a Christian perspective. Now that I'm older, I have no idea how he keeps that as a hobby that doesn't really interfere with his mind when he's working. My mom isn't too big on these questions, but interestingly whenever we visit our Confucian-Buddhist family, occasionally, there would be debates revolving around truth, God, religion, and metaphysics.

Fun times.

And I naively thought that all these questions were the ones that mattered, and the only people that mattered are the ones who ponder these questions. To me, they were the best that humankind can offer. Well, that was the narrative that my church and my family kept telling me over and over again. That Plato and Aristotle changed the world forever. That Augustine changed the world forever. That Aquinas changed the world forever. That Nietzsche changed the world forever. That Freud changed the world forever. To some extent, it might be true, but now that I think about it, it's quite unreasonable to think that the world is altered by the thoughts of merely one man (totally not one woman, the thought never occurred to me.).

Raphael's School of Athens.
What I thought was the center of human civilization was probably just a fantasy of some college-educated white guys... that was also the fantasy of white-minded college-educated guys.
(Excuse me. Poking fun of white guys is fun. And relatively safe.)

And so there was another kind of big question that was overlooked by the younger me: Politics (and economy?). And I was so ignorant that despite my father being hooked to the news every single day and make political comments in front of the whole family, the dimension of world's politics only made sense to me after I started a master's degree education. Hell, even an ojek driver doesn't need a master's degree and knows more about politics that I do.

If you've never had a chance of having conversation with one of these guys,
your upper-middle class life isn't complete.

And so my phony philosopher-wannabe attitude and dreams were shattered by the "reality". That the world is mostly influenced by money and lawmakers. Nobody cares about what Plato said thousands of years ago. But everybody cares about whatever Xi Jin Ping, Trump  Biden, or Putin says. Because it affects how much their company will make this year. And for those who do not own a company (which is a majority of us), it will influence the quality of [food, clothes, skincare products, video games - insert your achilles heel here] we buy on our payday.

Nobody will care about what you think unless you put on a suit.
And the chance of people giving a fuck increases exponentially when you're an old white man.
(I told you it's relatively safer to poke fun at white guys)

But again my infatuation with these questions also quickly faded away as I grow older. Now I understand why most people didn't care about the questions that the teenage me cared about: these questions don't really mean jack shit! As you grow older, you have no one else to depend on (unless you inherit a large sum of money from your rich parents - lucky bastard, you're a tiny fraction of the majority of the human race). It all comes down to one basic thing that the human race has been doing ever since we existed: survival.

The only question that matters is how we bring food and water and clothing to our tables (and closets) every single day. Millions (thousands? idk my history knowledge is bad) of years ago most of us survived by hunting. Hunting grew exhausting af and we found that life would be easier if we settled near water sources and plant some vegetables (probably much easier if you planted stinky beans since a lot of people wouldn't wanna steal your crops). Then we found trading. And then man made money to buy from other man. (And later, made machines to buy from machines.) And everything went much shittier afterwards - of course, unless you're rich.

I stole the quote "man made money" from this guy.
Check out his song, it's awesome.
Link in bio. (I lied. There's no bio.)

So to recap, it all comes down to survival. And afterwards, it all comes down to money (Duh! It's a bit too late to realize that, dumb head.). How you live, what your value is worth can only be measured by money. No, I'm not saying money can buy anything. Money can buy almost anything (If you want a more complicated version of this, you can consult Pierre Bourdieu.). Yes, it buys you things. But the most important of all, it buys you choices. With enough money, you can have more choices on whatever the hell you wanna do. 

Daily Questions
Without Money	With Some Money	With too much money
Should I eat today?	What should I eat today?	Whom should I eat today?
Will I keep my room this month?	When can I buy a house?	Should I buy another house?
When can I shower?	Can I not shower?	Where should I shower?
Who cares about me?	Who still cares about me?	(no question necessary. Everyone cares about me.)

And what I learn from all this is that the pragmatics, who I thought were dumb, shallow, and selfish, were right! At least for now, for people living the urban life, the most important question you should ask yourself would be: how can I make money? Not as artsy or mind-blowing like the big philosophical questions, for sure, but it gets you through the day. It helps you live. It helps you live better. And people would start caring as you accumulate better things and exciting experiences that you can show on your social media.

What good are existential questions if they can't bring food to your table?

(Of course professors of philosophy major would beg to differ, not merely for argument's sake, but because literally they make a living as long as there are people who still care about big questions.)

So to big questions I once loved so much and spent too much of my time with, farewell, adieu, ciao, dasvidaniya, annyeong, for now. You made me think that it was cool. But now it's time for me to focus on not dying and not losing the people I care about.

And big thoughts don't help.

Money does.

Sincerely,

Someone who is struggling to find a proper job because he feels that he is not equipped with the right skills or the right personality for a corporate job where a positive can-do attitude is something so basic yet he doesn't have.