My Confessions (3)

THREE: The confession – I am not a Christian.

Don’t try to convince me that I’m a Christian. STOP. You’re just being positively naive. I have met a lot of good Christians in my life, especially the ones from my fellowship (and my good parents, of course!) who try to convince me that I’m a Christian. They actually have good hearts. They stay positive and pray for me and all. But they’re just pathetically naïve. But they’re just being nice.

Why I am not a Christian

            Whoa, this sounds like Russell’s. But I’m not Russell. I’m not trying to be Russell. In fact I’m far from analytical philosophy and logical positivism with their unverified principle of verification. In fact I’m closer to Christianity. But I’m not a Christian. There, I’ve said it.

            By saying I am not a Christian, I need to emphasize that I am never against Christianity. I believe there’s a God. I believe there’s a Triune God. I like Christian doctrines, and they are all logical to me. I like the uniqueness of Christianity. I like Jesus Christ just like Gandhi did. I like the unique answers in smart Christians’ apologetics (Tim Keller, C.S. Lewis, Francis Schaeffer). But I’m not a Christian.

            I believe this is an honest confession from my deepest heart. You can try to act like you know my relation to your God better than I myself do, but I just believe I do know myself more. I know that I don’t have that Christian-intimate relationship with the Christian God. I know that sanctification is merely a myth to me. I know that I don’t have any guilty feeling when I sin. I know that I’ve never been in that process of holy sanctification which makes me better and better (in fact, I’m getting worse everyday). I don’t have that joy all Christians have when they realize they’re living a justified life. He never speaks to me, or I can never listen. I have no Christian superpower to listen to God. And these things have not changed since the time I thought I repented and believed in Jesus Christ.

            Christianity is a God-centered religion, so I believe it’s all God’s work. If you have the happiness to know Jesus, good! Live with that. I just don’t have that, okay? God gives His grace to whoever He wants to give. I don’t feel that joy, so I am not given. That’s the only possible logic I can find. It is either being in sanctification, or not a Christian at all. I’m done with all the sh*t you’re trying to convince me. STOP. I’m fed up. I’m not sanctified, okay? I’m fed up. It applies to you, it doesn’t apply to me. Christian God can be your “Thou”, but I know I will always refer to Him as “Him”. You can’t force him to give the grace He gives to His children to a dog. He does as He pleases. Don’t force Him to treat me equal.

            In a Christian worldview, the problem is not whether a person knows God, but whether God knows that person. It’s either I am abandoned, or I have never known Him at all. No sanctification indicates there’s no justification.

[Fuck you, if you’re saying I’m in a self-pity. I never pity myself and I hate myself more than anyone hates me. I don’t need anyone to say pity me. I’m complete in my acceptance towards my condemned being. You never understand, and you just judge me through your Christian-conceited eye, right?] [See, it can’t be a Christian’s words.]

Anyways, here’s a summarizing list why I’m not a Christian:

• No Sanctification
• Inability to blend in with Christian communities
• Death of Conscience
• Love of Sin
• No power over sin
• No love for the Scripture

Inability to hear God’s voices 

And the list goes on and on…

Epilogue: How I’m gonna Live My Life (My Views)

            You know it’s either God is trolling me, or these good Christians just don’t listen to their God. I am offered services right now. Simple ones, I know. Not anything important. Just being usher. Or lately someone told me that there’s a Christian writing wanted by a Christian media. And everytime the service is offered I’m frightened as hell. I’m gonna work for Christian God together with true Christians. It’s like before the holy throne there will be a disgusting demon among angels. I do it anyway, and I thank Him whenever I am permitted to complete the service alive.

            “ ‘Thank Him?’, You’re still praying?”

            Yes I do. I do pray to the Christian God. But I know it’s just an effort. He must know I pray, so I’m gambling. Trying to beat the odds and hope He would at least listen. I don’t hope that Christian God will grant my wishes. Even if He just listens it’s just way too good. But I don’t do any morning prayer. I never felt Christian God speaks to me privately in my room just like normal Christians feel. You see, Christians always feel touched by the words of the Scripture while I’m just saying “meh”.“Oh, you didn’t pray for enlightenment, or you didn’t do it correctly.” Whatever. You never listened to my prayer, right?

Whoa, suddenly I can’t write anything. But that’s the point. Without a God, you have no compass. It’s all silent and “what now?”. You’re free to go anywhere, but you don’t know where to go.

“Live for yourself?” Hell no. That’s a conceited life and I don’t wanna live myself that way. I’m gonna take a pinch of that conceited notion, though. I’m gonna eat, shit, fuck, breed, work, make some money, travel to somewhere probably, but it ain’t gonna mean anything. I’m just gonna live in the common grace, and I’m just gonna die. I used to have a passion to change the history, at least philosophically or anything. But that dream died away. Like, what’s the meaning? I am now fully living in the meaninglessness of postmodernism. [sometimes I can’t figure out why Nietzsche can believe in something called ubermensch while the notion is as un-verifiable [does the word exist?] as God [according to Atheist’s pov].]. No direction, no meaning.

I’m just gonna live. Do something “good” (momentarily).

All I have left is my common sense. I know what’s good and what’s bad just like every other human actually believes in no matter how they say it’s all fucking social construction or whatsoever nonsense they are all talking about. I’m gonna live myself for… what? Others?

No. I don’t know. I’m just gonna live and wait for death to come.

Or be converted to a true Christian. [That’s too ideal. And unlikely. Close to impossible.]

I don’t know.

Whatever.

But most likely I’m just gonna live.

And die someday.

Thanks for reading. 

Sorry for the inappropriate words.

God bless you.