This.

Forenotes:

11.   I know there are good Christians, and I mean no reference to them in this writing.

22.  Tell me that I’m wrong and why I’m wrong so that I can leave this cursed system of thought.

            

               Alright, I’ll just cut out the intro and get to the point. My main question would be, how would people on the other side could be wrong? Christians often rejoices in the doctrine of the predestination, saying that predestination is God’s grace to believers. I know that everyone is supposed to be going to hell but by God’s grace there are people who don’t. And we can’t blame God for whatsoever happens to the dead men walking since their death is caused by their sins, not by God. God does not will anyone to die but He needs to be just by punishing sinners for their sins. I know this stuff. I don’t blame God. I blame you Christians.

            You Christians are so fortunate to be blessed by your God, believing that you’re all going to heaven, singing Hallelujah for the rest of your lives, enjoying the comfort of the immovable grace. But what happens to the powerless? According to predestination, no matter how bad they want to be a believer, they CAN’T! Because predestination locks everyone’s fate in the absolute world, hence the relative world. The unchosen might believe, but that won’t be what you Christians call “true faith”. Their faith wouldn’t last. I tell you what, WE HAVE NO POWER TO BELIEVE because God allows us to believe but He doesn’t choose us. Yes, He might choose you good Christians but not us. You Christians who claimed to have experienced sins and the pleasure of dwelling in it and the powerlessness of being a sinner, have you all forgotten once you are saved that the people who are NOT saved are powerless?

            Also, do you realize that according to your predestination our lives are exactly what famous existentialists have described (meaningless)? When you know that you’re NOT going to heaven, can you mention a thing that would matter in your life? It doesn’t matter if you’re a philanthropist or a rapist, a saint or a thug, a CEO or a poor artist, a Gandhi or a Hitler, according to your predestination, if we’re not chosen, we’re gonna die anyway. If we’re all gonna die anyway, would anything matter? Would there be such thing called “good” and “evil”? Would it matter if we do good? Well, you say that your God is pleased when we do good, but will it ever change our fate? No! We’re gonna die anyway. So why do you have to preach to people telling that we should repent from our sins? Sinning or not, it does not matter. God wouldn’t care. He only cares to you, His beloved Christians. While we’re trapped in our sinfulness, waiting to die, there’s nothing that we can really do to help ourselves. Oh I see, you preach and tell the gospel to seek for the chosen ones, hiding as the citizen of this world and waiting to be transformed to be a citizen of Civitas Dei. That’s a good thing. You Christians seek for other Christians. But if you would listen to me – and please listen – save your efforts. You don’t have to tell us all what to do. You don’t have to hold signs saying stuffs like “God hates homo” in front of us. We – I – know that we’re all going to die according to your absolute righteousness. And you don’t even have to try to save us  because you can’t. Only your God can. And we can only hope that God is that gracious to everyone.

            But God is gracious, but his grace is not cheap, so He does not give it to everyone, doesn’t He? To dear good Christians who have lots of compassion – unlike the hypocrites who can only tell that we’re wrong and we’re gonna die – I beg you all to stop comforting us (me). I don’t mean to reject your good will. I do appreciate your good will. But I just wanna say that I’m tired, okay? I’m tired of living in delusions that God loves me while in fact I’m not one of His children – I’m not one of you! You don’t really know what it’s like to be convinced again and again that you’re a Christian while everything you do tells the opposite. It’s so freakishly, overwhelmingly exhausting! For a moment I try to believe I’m a Christian, and for another moment I know I can’t be a Christian you guys all are talking about: having been saved in God’s eternal grace and thus, possessing the spirit of “the perseverance of the saints”. No, I can’t! I don’t know whether the demon likes me or hates me or both, but what I know that I’m getting more and more like satan and I’m helpless and I can’t be a saint – I just can’t! We can’t! No matter how bad we wanna be, we can’t!

“Oh, you don’t rely on God.” I would reply, “Oh, you don’t know what it’s like not to have a chance to receive the grace so that you can rely on God.”. Have you forgotten that you believe in Augusine’s “grace precedes human response” rather than “existence precedes essence”? Have you forgotten that we can’t rely on God unless God has given us the forgiveness and the chance to rely on God?

Up to this point I sense the judgmental thoughts of hypocrites who say, “You’re an arrogant fool who thinks that you don’t need God.,”. and I can swear to God you’re worshipping that I hate you from the deepest part of my heart. I DO NEED YOUR GOD, BUT YOUR GOD DOES NOT NEED ME. I wanna be saved so badly, be a perfect Christians as you guys are, but I just CAN’T. I wish I could be saved but I know I’m not. I know you’re the golden boys and girls of God the Almighty who can sit on His lap, but you don’t need to mock us with your aristocratic position. I know you’re the elites, and we’re not. But you don’t have to be arrogant fools who thinks that we don’t need God.

“How do you know that you’re not saved?” How can I know? I am probably gonna be saved, and I do look forward to see that day. But in the meantime, I can’t do anything. Nothing really matters. Remember when you’re not with your God, there’s no such thing called good and bad. We’re living in a total nihilism. It’s not that we’re confident in our freedom, NO! I do realize that our freedom is the only hope to beat the odds, which are against us. But this is God’s last gift to us. I’m not saying He’s bad! I know about the common grace you’re talking about. He gives us the last remnants of hope that we can find some tiny sparks of happiness in the middle of this fucked up world. So let us live that way. We can’t go to heaven, so at least let us try in our freedom to have our temporary happiness before we all die and go straightly to hell to face the wrath of God we can’t stand. At least there’s something good in our lives before our eternal damnation. It won’t really matter when you see it from the point of view of eternity, but you see… these chances are our last hope. When our lives and deaths don’t seem to have any differences, I just realize that our lives are the only thing that can give us the opportunity to have “the pursuit of happiness”. Possibly, just possibly, we can be happy for a while before we die. Just give us this chance. Stop cursing us. Stop telling us we’re gonna die. We know. We just wanna be happy before we die.

Please, I need your replies. Say that I’m going to hell. Condemn me. Hate me, it’s totally okay. I’m used to it.  I hate myself, too. I know I don’t deserve the love from God or any of His children. But I just want to know if the agents of truth can change the belief of a fallen man, or make him fall even harder.